After a divorce, many people feel that they are no longer lovable. Longingly admiring other couples, they constantly remind themselves that they are not attractive and do not possess any qualities to attract their ideal partner.
The problem with telling yourself, constantly, that you are incapable of being loved is that you invite undesired results into your life. You develop such a formidable belief that you are unlovable; you switch off your internal filter and enter into relationships/situations that would otherwise be undesirable. In short – you make yourself vulnerable because you subconsciously overlook all the obvious warning signals.
If you feel unlovable, the biggest gift you can give yourself is to learn to feel lovable, rather than longing for someone else to provide it for you.
WHY IS FEELING LOVABLE IMPORTANT?
Feeling loved is a basic human need, so by telling yourself, you are unlovable, you are telling yourself that your basic human need will never be fulfilled. This belief will impact your self-esteem, your relationships, and the overall quality of your life.
In contrast, when you believe you deserve love you will seek out the best of things for yourself, you will recognise your value and you will elevate your life to a whole new level – even if you have endured a painful divorce.
FEELING LOVABLE IS YOUR BIRTHRIGHT!
Believe it or not – you were born feeling unbelievably lovable. When you were a baby, you didn’t care whether your hair was dishevelled, or if you had vomit on your clothes – your faith in your own lovability was unshakeable and you expected love in abundance. You never questioned whether you were deserving of love and you never compared yourself negatively to other babies.
As much as we all had the ability to self-love, unfortunately, this belief gets eroded in some of us due to the negative experiences we have in our lives. There can be many factors that can contribute towards the loss of self-love such as a terrible childhood, damaging relationships, lack of success, and divorce.
The good news is that just as much as our ability to self-love can be eroded, it can be reclaimed. The even better news is that, despite what you read, it is not that hard to do. If you are determined to feel lovable, you can do it. I am your biggest champion and I am rooting for you to succeed.
YOU DON’T NEED TO WORK HARD TO BE LOVABLE
You do not need to work to be lovable – you just need to accept that you already are. Despite what your ex may have told you – getting a degree, having convectional good looks, or a special talent does not make you anymore lovable – you were lovable from the moment of your birth.
I am not saying you should not engage in any personal development – that would be wrong. Personal development is crucial so that you can evolve into a better version of yourself and step into your true power. We should all strive to live to our full potential and be the best we can be but self-improvement is a life-long spiritual journey – not a yardstick by which you measure your lovability.
You are lovable as you are. You are enough as you are. Full Stop.
NO-ONE ELSE’S JOB BUT YOURS
Having a partner to make you feel lovable is great, however, if you have any doubts about your entitlement to love, a romantic relationship is not the best place to start. You need to love yourself and feel lovable before you invite someone else into your emotional space.
I have worked with so many clients who frantically search for a partner to make them feel lovable, subconsciously relinquishing their own power and responsibility towards their emotional health. This type of approach invariably ends in disaster because you allow someone else to determine when and how you get to feel lovable. You give them complete control over your emotional thermostat and when they decide to dial down the temperature by leaving the relationship, you feel dejected and unwanted, unconscious of the fact that your lovability did not depend on anyone else but you.
FLEX YOUR LOVABILITY MUSCLE
Your ability to feel lovable is a muscle, the more you work it, the stronger it becomes.
Every day, gift yourself with self-love. Tell yourself: I am lovable, I deserve love, I am enough.
It sounds simplistic and perhaps superficial but saying those words to yourself every day will empower you. Success is often achieved through simple, systematic, and consistent action. Do not waste your time looking for secret formulas – they don’t exist.
CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK
Never look at yourself through the eyes of your ex. Assess yourself through eyes of patience, understanding and forgiveness.
Whether you are alone or in a secure relationship, you are still lovable. Too tall, too small, too young, too old – you are still lovable. Unemployed – you are still lovable. Made lots of mistakes – you are still lovable. Rejected by your ex – you are still lovable. Cannot find love – you are still lovable. Do not have a degree – you are still lovable. Do not make much money – you are still lovable. Failed at some stuff – You are still lovable.
YOU ARE LOVABLE. FULL STOP. Disliking something about yourself or what you may have done does not make your entire being unlovable. Fix the dislike or accept it and then move on.
STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
Actually – comparing yourself to others is not always a bad thing – if you use it constructively to become a better version of yourself. Never compare yourself to others to determine your self-worth.
Stop worrying about what other people are doing and stay true to your core values and beliefs. Focus on turning your ‘I am not lovable’ into ‘I am loveable’ and liberate yourself from your own cruelty – it will undoubtedly change your life.
Nothing brings me more fulfilment than to watch a client progress from despair to empowerment. I’m not here to solve people’s problems – I just give them the tools to become their own confident and knowledgeable problem-solvers. If feeling lovable is something you need help with, give me call on 07967 012 006.