When you get married, you have a sense of security because someone makes you feel attractive, loved, valued, and supported. Your partner is charged with the responsibility of validating you and the image you have of yourself becomes a projection of how they (your partner) perceive you. So, when that partner leaves/stops giving that validation, your wall of self-confidence comes crashing down and you start to doubt everything about yourself, from how you look, to your ability to manage your finances, to how you will cope as a single parent.
Loss of self-confidence affects everyone in separation and divorce, but most people undermine the importance of putting in the work to rebuild it. They associate their inability to design a new life to a lack of education, intelligence, opportunity, or resource when in reality it is a lack of belief in themselves that holds them back. They fail to comprehend that self-confidence is one of those qualities that can change the trajectory of their lives for the better – especially in divorce.
So, my message to you is simple – do not depend on others to validate you. Develop an unshakeable self-confidence within yourself so that you can reach the dizzy heights of success and no one can ever bring you down. This is not optional, it is mandatory.
Do not sit back and think of self-confidence as something that the lucky few are born with and that you can do nothing to acquire it. This is a terrible misconception. Confidence is not a fixed attribute; it is a skill that can be honed and mastered by us all. It is like a muscle – the more you work it the stronger it becomes.
Self-confidence is the outcome of the thoughts we think and the actions we take. No more; no less.
The first step towards building it? Stop asking yourself ‘hamster wheel’ questions such as:
- “Why did this happen to me?”
- “What’s wrong with me?’
- “Why don’t they love me?”
- “Why can’t I achieve anything?”
If you have ‘Hamster Wheel’ questions meandering through your mind, you are creating a toxic environment that will hold you back from creating any forward momentum. This type of negativity will sap your energy and rob you of reaching your potential.
So, next time you find yourself asking damaging questions, flip them and ask yourself empowering ones instead, such as: ‘What is the problem I want to solve and what can I do to solve it?’ I have trialed this with my clients many times with success. One of my clients felt very unattractive; her partner had left her because she had put on weight and he found her ‘repulsive’. She took on his opinion and constantly asked herself, ‘why am I so ugly?’. The magic happened when she replaced her negativity and asked herself what she wanted to solve (to stop feeling unattractive) and how she was going to solve it (take interest in my appearance). This led her to create a whole new look for herself and not surprisingly her self-confidence shot through the roof. She is now toying with the idea of helping other women to develop their sense of own style to increase their confidence.
The power of self-confidence is evident, you will rarely see a successful person who does not possess it. The beauty of it all is that -it is attainable by us all.
Call me on 07967 012 006 and I will help you to build unshakeable confidence that will set your life on fire.